Nookie Nuker
Seth Morgan wrote an outstanding book called “Homeboy” (Random House, 1990) in which he coined the term “nookie nuker”. As you can probably guess, it isn't meant as a term of endearment, but since Seth didn't actually define what he meant, I offer here my own interpretation.
Doris is a sweet, petite woman, the sort that cuddles kittens and wears frilly knickers, a bat of whose eyelids creates a Force 5 hurricane of desire. She could stop a 400 pound gorilla in its tracks with just the words “Hi there, big boy!”
Looking at her across the room you’d be forgiven for thinking this woman was shy and vulnerable, a delicious combination for any male on the prowl. Sure, she’s been around the block a few times – probably on the ledge – but she’s a good few years away from the botox and a face lift.
She’s still sexy, some might say very sexy, and she knows it. This woman doesn’t need to watch Animal Planet to know that male tarantulas are not the only creatures with their brains in their balls, and indeed, make an excellent snack for their offspring. Fortunately, the human race has not yet reached the point in its development where Daddy is fed to the Kids, although in her mind it can’t be far off. Bugger boiling the bunny: go big or go home.
The wall of her office boasts a single diploma from an obscure college. You get the feeling that if you blew in one ear, the other would whistle. But you’d be wrong. This woman is not stupid. She could have gone to university to study rocket science, but in her view it was unnecessary to spend five years in a laboratory just to snag a man: a year at college doing graphic art would suffice. Your office wall, on the other hand, is crammed with degrees and memberships of learned societies. You have a PhD in astrophysics and can recite the value of Pi to 15 decimal places. She thinks Pi is something you eat that makes you fat.
Yet when it comes to human relations, this woman has a mind like Deep Blue and a tongue made of weapons grade plutonium. This is the proverbial nookie nuker!
Geoff Foxworthy, the well-known American comedian, relates the anecdote of the couple who go to the movies, and as they’re leaving the movie the man remarks to his wife: “Say, honey, that Sigourney Weaver sure is a spunky broad!”. Later as they’re having dinner at home he remarks that the meatloaf is a little on the dry side, to which she responds: “Well, why don’t you get Sigourney Weaver to make you a meatloaf!”
This illustrates the first sign of a Nookie Nuker: very insecure and as a result, insanely jealous. She needs to be flattered about her looks on a regular basis and if you don’t she will draw attention to herself. She is wont to preen in front of you: “Do you like my new dress?”, she will ask as she does a pirouette for you. You immediately notice that the dress captures the curves of her ample breasts and full hips. You try not to drool, but her innate radar has picked up the direction of your attention and filed it for later use.
You take her out for dinner. She is impeccable groomed, not so much for your benefit but for that of the other people in the restaurant. You get the feeling that she is more aware of the people around her than you. And if your attention wanders for a moment, or you exchange pleasantries with the waitress, she will pointedly ask you if you noticed the man over there staring at her. She wouldn't hesitate to ask you to stop flirting with the waitress when all you are doing is trying to make the waitress’s job a little more pleasant.
If an old girlfriend or female acquaintance of yours should happen along she will be cool and just civil enough so as not to appear downright rude. Afterwards she will always have some biting remark to make about her. “Gee, but she’s put on weight!”, or “I really don’t know what you saw in her!”
You try to strike up a conversation but her attention wanders like an albatross on the high seas. I recall once waxing lyrical about some boyhood act of bravery and her cutting me off in mid-stream. She’d rather talk about her family and their problems, or her work. These are topics she feels comfortable with and in control of. Initially you thought that she was looking for advice, but you soon discover that anything you say goes in one ear and out the other, or worse, it’s taken as criticism. You tell her you think she is a talented painter and that she should give it a try, but to her that implies a criticism of her, that she’s a procrastinator or simply unable to get her life together.
Have you ever met a nookie nuker? As you may have guessed, I have. One in particular hung around for years until her ovaries started ringing like church bells and she decided to settle down with a more accomodating fellow. I sympathise. You have been warned!
With thanks to Seth Morgan for the inspiration.
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